I was on summer break, we had just gotten out of middle school and we were finally going to be advancing into high school. I don’t know if it was the sudden change from getting up to go to school every morning to doing almost nothing but I always found summer breaks mind-numbing. My mom and sister had gone out shopping, leaving me alone. I was flipping through channels on TV, nothing was on and I was just considering taking a nap when I got knock on my door. It was Dylan.
Dylan was an old childhood friend who lived down the street and he and his twin brother, Tyler, would often come over to my house and play PlayStation 2. We chatted for abit and then I let him in and we went back to my room to play some Killzone. After awhile of continually sucking, I decided I needed a game changer. I paused and ran into our mom’s room and grabbed the vibrating pad off of her desk chair. This was definitely my game changer. Strutted back into the room. Yeah I was the cool guy with the vibrating pad off my mom’s desk chair. I plopped it down and plugged it up and sat on it. Feeling the pulsations while I sat on it.
“What the hell is that?” Dylan looked down from my bed, controller in hand. “This is what’s going to allow me to beat you…” I smirked, unpausing the game. “Yeah man, it feels like a massage.”
Suddenly I felt a painful pressure building in my abdomen. My dietary habits mostly consisted of microwavable frozen burritos and hot pockets so this came to no suprise to me. Ok, it’s just a fart, I thought to myself, I’ll just let this bad boy go and that will really Dylan off his game. I did the customary lift of the one ass cheek guided it to Dylan’s direction and I released the proverbially Kraken that laid dormant in my lower intestine.
That’s when it happened, I felt a sudden lump bless the outer wall of my cheeks and instinct took over from there. I jumped off the now spoiled vibrating pad and begin running across the hall.
“Dude…did you just shit your pants?!” He shouted from my room. I pulled down my pants, the damage had been done. But this isn’t what had upset me, it was the fact that I had chosen my favorite pair of silky dollar sign boxers to wear. They had history, I had worn them through some times in my life and even my friends had been acquitted with them. My gut sank, I felt like I had lost a close friend.
“Yeah…dollar sign boxers.” I heard a sudden, loud crackle exit my room. I ended up having to ask Dylan to leave while I sat in the bathroom, his constant laughter following him. Once he left I proceeded to pick up the soiled boxers and the vibrating pad with a pair of tongs and while being nude dumped them in the trash outside. I still wonder to this day where those boxers ended up.
We had gotten back from Tennassee where: me, my sister, our step sister, dad and step mom had resided in a log cabin while waiting for my father and his wife-to-be to get married. All I recall from the stay up at Tennassee was dining at a horrible Nascar-themed restuarant and the rather boring union of my father and step mother. We had arrived at night so we didn’t unpack until the next morning. I, for one, had a primary target. The Nintendo 64 in which we had packed but for some reason never got to play during our time in Tennassee and the suitcase that contained all of the games.
We were mostly unpacked when everyone decided to take a break and watch Titanic and little me wouldn’t stand for watching Leonardo Di Capro’s antics (and the first pair of tits I had ever seen) until my N64 and it’s games were returned to it’s resting place in the playroom with the large print of Barney on the wall who’s face had become my designated booger graveyard. So me being the little devil that I was went and retrived the remaining suitcases and dragged them all to the playroom while my family sat in the living room watching the movie.
It didn’t take me long to discover the N64, tossing clothes and tolietaries aside. I plugged it all up and now all that was needed were my games. There were only two suitcases left, one was extremely light that and I recognized it and it couldn’t possibly hold the keys to my adventure. So I went with the other one, dragging it to me. I tugged on it’s zipper, inside the suitcase revealed another bag. I almost stopped, thinking to myself if my dad had gone through these extraordinary lengths to hide my games that I shouldn’t play with them until he told me it was ok. And then, that little voice in your head that tells you to fuck whatever reasonable thinking you have took over and I unzipped the bag.
And what lay in the bag I wouldn’t found out what were until middle school. It was a bag full of dildos of all shapes and sizes. Black ones, white ones, big ones, average-sized one, ones that were stationary, ones that vibrated. All I know is I had discovered the treasure chest of rubber dicks. I paused for a moment, picking one up and examining it further. This one had a noticable large vien on it and wasn’t what I was looking for. I was looking for my games, I grew angry. All I wanted to do was play my games and now these rubber dicks had impedded me playing. And I did what every seven year old kid does when it doesn’t get what he wants. I slammed the big vieny rubber bastard into the N64’s game slot.
I’m guessing my sister heard the sound of my N64’s moan as it expierenced it’s first ‘big one’ and ran into the room to find me on the floor sitting with a bag full of dildos and a N64 with a penis sticking out of it laying beside me. She squatted next to the bag full of dildos, picking them up and examining them like I previously had.
“What are these?” She said flopping a double-sided one around.
“I have no idea but they aren’t my games.” Picking up one as well, swinging it like a sword.
“On guard!” She said smacking my rubber dick with her double-ended one. And it was on. We dualed with other rubber swords, Matching and parrying each others moves. And for a brief moment, I felt like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of rubber dicks and my sister was the evil Darth Maul with her double-ended sith dick saber. We had good two minutes of dick swordplay until our step mother got up to look for my sister. This is where she discovered my sister and I, without saying anything she snatched up all the dicks except for the one in the N64 which was now stuck in the console and ran into her room. We didn’t hear anything from her or my father for another ten minutes.
Then finally my dad emerged from his room. He stood in the doorway and pointed at me.
“You’re grounded from the N64 for two days. I don’t even want you to touch it…” He then pointed at my sister. “…you go back and watch Titanic.” My sister skipped into the living room along with my dad, I slowly followed. No one entered the play room for those two days and the dildo which was jammed into it remained a memorial to the battle I and my sister had fought.
I can’t tell you why I did it but as I sit here pants around my ankles. I can’t help but to question what events led to my now shameful position. I guess it started yesterday.
Lately I haven’t been getting out and socializing like normal people do. My schedule has mostly consisted of experimenting with what foods that honey mustard compliments. (Mostly everything thus far. But I digress.) This is why I jumped at the opportunity presented to me by my close friend. “I’m gettin’ off at 5. You wanna hang?” my phone chirped as I received his text. “Really? FUCK YEAH I DO.” I quickly replied, adding a happy face emoticion to my text to mask my desperation. “Cool. I’ll be over then to pick your ass up. Be ready. Also, don’t use smilie faces when talking with another dude. Makes you look faggy.” Obviously it hadn’t worked.
After shedding my disgusting three day shell of not caring and showering. My friend finally arrived. We talked many subjects through the car ride such as which of the more recent Call of Duty games we preferred and if we would give a handie to a cop if it meant getting off scot-free. Through this discussion we both learned that we really hadn’t eaten anything (I did have spaghetti with honey mustard for breakfast but I lied. Wasn’t as gross as you may think.) and we should get some pizza.
And pizza we got. Pulling into our favorite pizza restaurant and ordering the biggest baddest thing on the menu proudly nicknamed, The Carnivore. No words were exchanged as this sixteen inch long beast of a pizza was placed on the table. The both of us reverted to a primal state as we ripped this pizza apart, something reminiscent of what I may have previously viewed on the Animal Planet.
Feeling exhausted and fulfilled, he asked if I would mind just spending the night and letting him drive me back home after he got off work. Not thinking clearly with the extra cheese clouding my mind, I said why not. We went back to his place and he dug out his old Playstation 2 and Kingdom Hearts. Exchanging the controller back and forth after we would die fighting bosses on Proud Mode. After awhile my friend grew tired of playing, leaving me to play by myself and decided to re-download World of Warcraft and play it again. “32 gigabytes of data…man. I’m not going to be playing this tonight.” He said looking up from his monitor. “Yeah, just let it download while you’re at work. Then you can come home and play it.” I replied not breaking my stare away from Sora onscreen. “I guess…but what will you do while I’m at work?” He said. “I don’t know but I’ll think of something.” Giving up after dying the third time in a row. After a bit, we decided to go to sleep. Falling asleep to one of our favorite movies, Step Brothers. Quoting every line almost religiously until we both drifted off.
I awoke to him fully dressed in his work uniform typing on his cellphone. I shifted before opening my eyes hiding my usual early morning boner. “Oh you’re up…” He said shifting his gaze away from his phone. Wondering if he was addressing more then my conscious state. “Yeah…” I replied. “…why? What’s up?” “Nothing really. I’m about to go but I was going to tell you. My mom’s suppose to be coming over to pick up some shit. If she does just let her know it’s all in the kitchen.” “Cool. Ok.” Rubbing my eyes as I spoke. “And don’t forget I’m downloading WoW so the internet is going to be dail-up slow.” He said as he open the front open door. “I think I’ll manage.” I shouted as he closed the door behind him.
I was wrong. Whoever said you don’t know what you have until it’s gone was right. I’m doubtful he or she was talking about the internet but it still works. I was bored out of my mind. Jumping around activities that kept my attention for only a few minutes or so. Finally I just decided to watch a movie and try to take a nap. The movie I decided upon was a newer title ‘Date Night’ starring Steve Carell and Tina Fey.
I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the movie but there’s one scene where Tina Fey and Steve Carell’s characters must do a strip tease for a corrupt district attorney. I’ve always had a crush on Tina Fey ever since her days on SNL and damn she makes an improvement on Sarah Palin. This is what sent me spiraling downward.
I became aroused by Tina Fey and her sexy but funny tease. And I did what every young single male adult does when he becomes aroused alone. I began a journey down the path of self-fulfillment. Yes, in my friend’s house. On his couch. It wasn’t the first time but certainly there would be a new first. As about five minutes into the so-called journey, my friend’s mother burst through the door without a single knock.
She walked in and my pants weren’t the only thing that had dropped at this moment. She froze for a nanosecond and then turned and ran out leaving the door ajar. Me, not thinking, ran full speed towards the door shouting for her to not freak out as I tripped out the door. But it was too late, she was in her car and had sped off. Gathering ill glances from the neighbors, I attempted to cover myself up and slammed the door behind me.
I got back on the road of self-fulfillment, not letting my friend’s mother ruin whatever I might have had left. I was almost to the end when I heard a hard knock come to the door. I looked up to see a cop through the door’s window. The neighbors had called the cops.
This is why World of Warcraft is the root of all evil.
Reblogging for hilarity…
If you haven’t checked out Mike’s (the primary contributer of this blog) personal tumblr . Which he made alittle while go. You should definitely do so. Lots of original content and funny stories.
SUPPOSEDLY if you’ve seen over 70 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you’ve seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list and paste this on your Tumblr. Then, put x’s next to the films you’ve seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.
Teen/Romance: (x) A Cinderella Story (x) Another Cinderella Story ( ) Step Up ( ) Step Up 2 ( ) High School Musical ( ) High School Musical 2 ( ) High School Musical 3 (x) Hannah Montana Movie ( ) Enchanted ( ) Sydney White Total: 3
(All these I was forced to watch by my sister. I seriously didn’t enjoy any of them.)
(x) She’s The Man (x) Licensed to Wed ( ) The Break-Up (x) 13 going on 30 ( ) 27 Dresses ( ) P.S I Love You ( ) Made of Honor ( ) What Happens in Vegas (x) Get Smart (x) The Princess Bride Total: 8
(The Princess Bride isn’t that bad. I don’t even know why it’s grouped in with these movies.)
( ) Camp Rock ( ) Wild Child (x) Ella Enchanted (x) The Princess Diaries ( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (x) 50 First Dates (x) The Lizzie McGuire Movie ( ) Hotel For Dogs (x) Just Married (x) Freaky Friday Total: 14
(I had a Hilary Duff stage. Any straight man does. Don’t judge me.)
( ) The Hot Chick ( ) Sleepover ( ) Confessions Of a Shopaholic ( ) Twilight ( ) Nancy Drew ( ) The Devil Wears Prada ( ) No Reservations ( ) Perfect Man ( ) Australia ( ) Never Been Kissed Total: 14
(Saw parts of The Devil Wears Prada but never finished it. Anne Hathaway is a fox and Twilight will never be crossed off. NEVER.)
Comedy/Humour: (x) Yes Man (x) Bedtime Stories ( ) The Pink Panther ( ) The Pink Panther 2 (x) Marley & Me (x) Cheetah Girls ( ) Cheetah Girls 2 ( ) Bratz (x) Haunted Mansion (x) Paul Blart Mall Cop Total: 19
(They made a Bratz movie? Also, I had a Raven-Symone stage as well.)
(x) The 40-Year-Old Virgin (x) Night in the Museum ( ) Night in the Museum 2 (x) Evan Almighty (x) Bruce Almighty (x) White Chicks ( ) Neverending Story ( ) Meet the Spartans (x) Meet the Parents (x) Meet the Fockers Total: 26
( ) Scream ( ) Scream 2 ( ) Scream 3 (x) Scary Movie (x) Scary Movie 2 (x) Scary Movie 3 (x) Scary Movie 4 (x) American Pie ( ) American Pie 2 ( ) American Pie Band Camp Total: 31
Adventures: (x) Harry Potter 1: The Sorcerer’s Stone (x) Harry Potter 2: The Secret Chamber (x) Harry Potter 3: Prisoner of Azkaban (x) Harry Potter 4: Goblet of Fire (x) Harry Potter 5: Order of the Phoenix (x) Harry Potter 6: Half-Blood Prince (x) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (x) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King ( ) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe ( ) Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian Total: 40
(Talking animals creep me out.)
( ) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark ( ) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom ( ) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade ( ) Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull (x) The Mummy (x) The Mummy 2 ( ) The Mummy 3 ( ) Journey to the Centre of Earth ( ) City of Ember ( ) Finding Neverland Total: 42
(I’m told I’m crazy for never seeing an Indiana Jones film. Guess I’m just waiting for someone to force me to watch them with me.)
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean (x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest (x) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End (x) X-Men (x) X-2 (x) X-3 (x) Spider-Man (x) Spider-Man 2 (x) Spider Man 3 (x) King Kong Total: 52
(Hadn’t seen King Kong in the longest time but my friend forced me to watch it. Peter Jackson has done better.)
(x) Hellboy (x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace (x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones (x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith (x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope (x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back (x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi ( ) Underdog (x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events (x) Batman: The Dark Knight Total: 61
(Love Star Wars. But Hayden Christensen killed the series in the end.)
(I had a Terminator action figure for the longest time before seeing the actual movies. It gave me a nightmare one time and I threw out my window. RIP, Arnold.)
(x) Bourne Identity (x) Bourne Supremacy (x) Underworld (x) Butterfly Effect (x) Death Note ( ) Death Note 2 ( ) Death Note 3: L Change the world (x) Resident Evil 1 (x) Resident Evil 2 (x) I, Robot Total: 75
(I don’t regret this part. Well…maybe the Butterfly Effect. But time travel always interests me.)
(x) Rush Hour (x) Rush Hour 2 (x) Rush Hour 3 ( ) Mission Impossible 1 ( ) Mission Impossible 2 (x) Mission Impossible 3 (x) I Am Legend (x) Predator I ( ) Predator II (x) Signs Total: 82
(I told my friends I had only seen Mission Impossible 3 and the look in their eye was so cold. Just like Indiana Jones, I’m waiting for a friend to sit down and watch them with me.)
Horror: (x) Saw ( ) Saw II ( ) Saw III ( ) Saw IV ( ) Saw V (x) The Grinch ( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre ( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning ( ) The Ring ( ) The Ring 2 Total: 85
(Why the fuck is The Grinch in here? I never liked the creepy from Japan horror movies. They were always lame to me.)
(x) Final Destination ( ) Final Destination 2 (x) Final Destination 3 ( ) Ghost Ship ( ) From Hell (x) Child’s Play ( ) Seed of Chucky ( ) Bride of Chuck
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street Total: 90
(I honestly don’t remember Gothika that much. Grandmother made me leave the room during the shower scene. Way to be lame, grandma.)
( ) The Grudge ( ) The Grudge 2 ( ) The Haunted Apartment ( ) Siren (x) Silent Hill (x) The Mask ( ) Son Of The Mask ( ) Alone (x) Omen ( ) House Of Wax Total: 93
(I really liked Silent Hill despite everyone hating it. I dunno.)
( ) The Eye ( ) The Eye 2 (x) Shutter ( ) When a Stranger calls ( ) The Fog ( ) The Orphanage ( ) The Skulls ( ) Cruel Intentions ( ) Cruel Intentions 2 ( ) House of 1000 Corpses Total: 94
(Watched Shutter with my grandma. Was one of those creepy Japanese to America movies. Didn’t really liked it and the fact that grandma figured it out half the way through the movie didn’t help.)
Cartoons: (x) Lilo & Stitch (x) Ice Age (x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (x) Madagascar ( ) Madagascar 2 ( ) Kung Fu Panda (x) Bolt (x) Wall-E (x) Monsters Inc ( ) Shark Tale Total: 101
(I need to see Kung Fu Panda. I love Jack Black.)
(x) Shrek (x) Shrek 2 (x) Shrek 3 (x) Finding Nemo (x) ET (x) Cars (x) Ratatouille (x) Toy Story (x) Toy Story 2 (x) The Incredibles Total: 110
(ET gave me nightmares when I was little. Bitch scared the shit out of me.)
Inspirational: (x) Little Miss Sunshine ( ) I Am Sam (x) The Day After Tomorrow ( ) Coach Carter ( ) The Last Dance (x) To Kill A Mockingbird ( ) Conrack ( ) Midnight Sun ( ) Little Black Book ( ) Rwanda Genocide Total: 113
(Why is The Day After Tomorrow in this group? Did it inspire someone to plant a tree to fight global warming or something?)
Classics: ( ) Ten Things I Hate About You (x) Titanic (x) Romeo & Juliet ( ) Frankenstein ( ) A Midsummer Night’s Dream Total: 115